What a Joke
by justcallmeIVY
Summary: Joker stumbles across a neglected little girl one evening when he needs a distraction. What was supposed to be a night of Batsy fun turns into: kidnapping, aggravated robbery by a 7 year old, hide and seek in Chinatown, pin the tail on the henchmen- and somehow he's holding a 'Dad of the Year' bear. He should have just found a stray dog..
1. Get the Chessboard Ready

_This story will take place over one long and hilarious night. Enjoy, review, follow- I actually love this story._

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On a night quite like this one when the air felt like dry ice on exposed skin and caused many to curl themselves up on their tiny couches in their warm homes, Joker would tend to walk on the curb side of dead streets. His gloved hands buried to the wrist within his pockets, toying the familiarity of his knives.

Tonight he was whistling a tune that caused many to turn or hide in a shadow with only a prayer of feigned invisibility for protection, one he heard on a film years and years ago. He liked the night when he needed time out to think. The only other things he enjoyed as much as the cloak of darkness for a few still moments had been either his knack for destruction, the feeling of his Harley's milky skin on his own or the steel of a blade in his hand- which all knew he had hidden in the layer of clothing all over his person.

He was a man who wanted the simplest of things yet he could never quite find solace.  
His restlessness was a curse in all honesty, something that made his bones ache and his lips curl upward while he glided through the alleys and searched for nothing in particular. His baby was gone- not forever but for too long. He couldn't pinpoint her exact location and it made his blood boil and caused him to kick over trashcans beside shops. It had been two weeks already, two long weeks since he made his escape from the batsy and the cloaked one took her away.

The night continued around him as he overheard Gotham's sounds; gunshots, laughter, an occasional scream of terror that made his loins warm in ways a woman never quite could. Yes, Joker loved the night and all of the _freaks_ it bought out with its shade, and he relished- oh _how he relished_ , the way that crooks would step forward at the sound of his incoming steps yet would take more back and avert their eyes from his gaze when they recognized the clown.

Oh Joker loved- loved- _loved_ this time. It was his turn to play, of course. He had built up so much frustration over the past fortnight with his other part missing in action. So when his path of passionate and indirect wandering crossed a scene tucked away in the corner of an old apartment complex he found himself enthralled and stood beside a lamppost.  
There, beneath a grime covered safety light that flickered slowly- was a child.

A little girl sat with her back against the doors to whatever rat hole she seemed to reside in. Her long hair covered her face while her head was bent, but it was the crook of her arms that poked out from the short sleeves of the frumpy day dress that disclosed to him that she must have been quite young. And cold, surely.

He dusted off the front of his coat with a grin and skipped over toward her from his side of the road while he reached into his sleeve. She caught the new noise like a trained dog as soon as his second foot touched the ground she rose quickly like a startled doe- her head turned both ways before realizing that the Clown had already come too close before she could run away without being caught. So instead she turned and tried to jump for the buttons on the side of the door, stretching her little arms as far as they could, but her small stumpy fingers were too short to reach the buttons and instead they slapped the surface just beneath them as she tried and tried. He could hear her panting.

"My- my, what are you doin' out so late little darlin'?" She stopped, he caught her whimper before turning toward him gradually. Her head craned up and through the light that the complex barely gave he saw her big blue eyes fill with tears, threatening to spill onto her rosy cheeks. The little red haired riding hood had been cornered by the big bad wolf..

"Pwease dun' hurt me Mister, I have money." Her words, not yet fully formed made him grin, kids never talked to him. Not that he cared. He was never one for things under three foot, especially that damned Penguin.

She fumbled for something within the pockets of her dress and Joker watched her with an amused smirk and allowed the exchange to take place. Almost a minute passed before she found what she wanted and pulled out her little hand in a closed fist, begging him to reach for it as it shook around in the air.  
He smiled at her, bringing his face down close and baring his silver teeth. Within a second his hand slipped out of the confinements of his sleeve and he presented the little thing with three bright purple chrysanthemums. She squealed at the swift movement, then swallowed hard when she realized it was not anything harmful. He noticed that she kept her hand out. He admired that. She took the flowers with her other hand- gawking a little at them as she did, and he realized how small she really was- like a little bug he could squish with one step.

"Oh. Fanks M-mister," she blubbered, Joker shrugged off-handedly.

"Hmm, well let's see how much you have, huh? Give it here."

He snatched away whatever she had causing her body to jerk a little with the severity of his grip, he looked into his palm as the contents became his own. Her hand wrapped around the stem of the flowers with her other and she took a step back from the strange man. Now in his care, he found three chocolate coins, half squished by the strength of her hands and opened from her obvious shock, he let out a boom of hilarity that caused her to scare.

"Little lady, this is _candy_. I have no time for candy, bad for the teeth you know." He threw it to the floor and she blindly began to step forward for it. He put his foot onto the confectionery and she frowned at him before standing back again. "How old are you?" He questioned.

"Momma say's that I shouldn' talk to bad mans.." Her lower lip pushed out at him, her eyes set. He giggled at her response, and decided she had been mad at his neglect of consideration toward her money- how sensitive.

"Dear little girl, do I look like a bad man to you?" She seemed to eye him a little harder as he put his hands out to each side and gave her a look he thought would look less menacing than usual. Willing her to say no so he could scare her again.

"You have ugwy hair, I hate gween."

He frowned at that and where his brows should have been pulled down.

"And I hate little brats who are rude!" His fist flew at the wall beside him with a violent force and she jumped, looking down at the ground again. What he thought must have been a growing childlike bravery had been crushed at the tone in his voice. He let himself count to ten, he thought of how beautiful it would be to see his babydoll again soon then shook off his bad feelings and reached down. Taking her small jaw into his leather hand and using enough pressure to get her to look at him.

"Sorry dear- I get a little- a little mad sometimes ya know? But you shouldn't judge a man on the outside, you should judge him on the inside sweet-cheeks." She nodded cautiously at him. "Where's ya Mama? Ya Daddy?" At this her pink bottom lip began to quiver, and she reached up with a blue looking arm to wipe away the tears that began to fall.

"Daddy is sweeping forever. And Mumma is at work sir, she forgot to weave the door open for me. I pwayed at Simion's for too wong."

Joker felt something foreign creep down his spine, he didn't feel _sad_ for the kid- not at all. But he did feel as though he wanted to scoop the kid up onto his shoulder, take her to her Mothers work and peel the womans skin off as a coat so the kid could finally keep warm. He didn't know what it was it was the same sort of thing he felt when he had to leave Harley girl behind, or maybe he really was losing his mind..

"Are ya hungry kiddo?" He moved his hand away, she looked around again and he wondered what for. The real fear had already been in front of her, nothing was worse than him in Gotham.

"No sir, I can- can't weave, Momma will hit me again," she walked backward until she hit the doors, holding the flowers to her chest as she slid down onto the spot he had first seen her in, he frowned again.

"But she left ya out here sweets?" She shook her head at him defiantly.

Joker let out a huff and took a step back, staring at her. I mean did he really want to help this little stray? All he wanted to do was to find his Puddin' and take her home. He missed her terribly, he didn't have anyone to dote on- even Batsy didn't want anything to do with him. The girl, a sight of pure neglect and human waste, pulled her arms up around her to keep warm with silent shakes. It made him uneasy.

He turned away from her and flicked the collar of his jacket, pulling out a phone to send a quick message and within a minute of whistling a car pulled up in front him, the idle hum of the engine seemed to catch the little one's attention.

"Are yew goin?" She asked, her curiosity getting the better of her as she peeked behind her hair, he looked back at her while stretching his arms up in the air and feeling a few bones click, he rolled his shoulders back.

"Yes. But I'll uh, I'll tell ya what kid. Ya come with me, with Mistah J- I'll get ya food, clothes and a nice warm cuppa' milk, then I'll bring ya home so you can wait for ya Mumma?" He bargained.

"Why?" _Nosy fucking brat_ , he hissed to himself. He took a deep breath, sucking the air through his nose and exhaling as he smiled.

"Cuz Mistah J wants ta be ya friend." He grinned toothily. Then he had decided it was time- she would follow, he knew she would. He walked away to his car, opening the door and sliding in. He didn't bother to look at the girl and instead looked toward his driver.

"Ya want me to wait boss?" The man asked, the look in his eyes had been filled with questions Joker knew he would never answer. He held up a hand with an entertained gleam in his eye, then bought a finger to his lips.

Within a few seconds, the door opposite himself clicked and the noise of an unlocked door rung through the car, with a smirk Joker watched as the little thing struggled to pull the weight of it open. He gave the man at the front one nod through the mirror and he had been at the little girls side- opening it for her.

"Oh, fanks mister," she whispered shyly, the man did not reply.

She slipped into the seat awkwardly and began looking around at the sheepskin upholstery with wide eyes, the door closed loudly behind her and she was startled at the noise. Battling herself, she reached out a tentative hand and let it rub against the fabric of the drivers seat with a small upward curve of her lips. She looked up at the Joker for a moment and felt her skin crawl at the intensity of his stare in return. Uncomfortable, she turned to reach for the seat-belt but realized it was too high for her to grip and to pull down. She kept trying, nothing worked.

"Can ya help me?" She asked Joker, he looked down at her with a snort, reaching into his pocket he pulled out a cigar that had been prepared previously to be smoked, the car rolled into movement.

"Uh-uh little girl, ya see, Mistah J doesn't do a lota' nice things for nobody. Ya can't always rely on people, with some things ya either do it yaself or ya don't do it at all. That's how I live, and this is one of those things." He pulled out a lighter from his breast pocket and puffed on the cigar until it took the flame. Before he put it back he looked down and handed the lighter to the girl who looked at it oddly yet took a hold of it with tentative hands. "Ya ever played with fire?" He asked as she pulled back the tip, blowing the smoke into the car and gaining a small cough from the girl.

She shook her head.

"Did ya Mumma always say that ya couldn't?" She paused a moment, then nodded and he let out a chuckle that made the hairs on her arms stand tall. "Well ya can do anythin ya want with Mistah J. No rules, no vegetables, ya can can drive a car- you can even play with fire if ya wanna!" He watched as she put the lighter down on the seat between them and almost rolled his eyes at her consistent stick-in-the-mud manner.

"Now little one, before we get ya dinner I'm gonna ask ya one more time- how old are ya?"

"Seven." She shrugged.

He puffed as he thought over the information, the kid could barely say her r's, l's and t's without a slur- now it made sense. Noticing that her nose had become less red he looked away from her and out into the vision of Gotham City through the blacked out windows. Her blood was beginning to dilate from the warmth of the car and move throughout the body, feeding the small appendages. He wondered what kind of parent would leave such a small thing out so late at night- dressed so poorly too. Would he have?  
No, Harley would never let him. She was crazier than he was but there had always been something maternal within her that may have even wanted to keep this little ugly thing beside him.

He thought about a small girl out in this city and it wasn't the cold he thought would kill her first if he hadn't of come walking. He wondered briefly if Batsy could have saved her? Maybe. Was he the Bat now?

He wanted to cackle and kick the seats around him, _when the hell did he become a savior of the children? What a j-o-k-e! Maybe he would kill her later.. Maybe he would feed her up and drop her off at a Orphanage after promising dessert for a chuckle._ The thought made him laugh aloud to himself regardless and the other two squirmed silently. _Maybe she was all he needed to get the Bats attention.._

"Great." His hand clasped together loudly, this time the little girl did not jump but she did flinch, his eyes lit up as they fell back onto her. "Well I say let's go and eat some burgers, huh? I'm- sta-ar-arved, and you look like ya need a few of 'em little girl. Then-," his grin deepened, "we can play some _games_ , like 'Let's Find the Batty Batman.'"

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 _Love it, hate it? Let me know!_


	2. A Hen, A Farmer and The Big Bad Bat

He had decided that it would be too risky taking her into the joint. Instead Joker had the car taken around the back and the orders were placed a lot more, discreetly.

With a waitress at his window he ordered himself a small lemonade and the child an adults combo. He didn't bother asking the Driver what he wanted.  
The woman nodded as he finished, tucking away a notepad she wrote on into the stuffy aprons front and ushered them both from the car. She lead them through the large kitchen of the new restaurant as the kid _'ooh'_ d behind Joker and took them into a back room that held one leather booth, a staff bulletin board and a separate bathroom that was a little too close to them for his liking. The two sat at opposite sides.

"I will be back shortly with your meal."

As she turned to leave he watched the woman eye the child curiously. Of course she knew who he was, why else would he be given a separate space? And he was with a child nonetheless? It caused a deep giggle to tickle his throat as he imagined her questions. She jumped at the noise and walked out quietly.

"Where awe we?" The little thing suddenly piped up. Joker looked over at the child with a smile as her answer.

He reached deep into his pocket for his phone and tapped in the passcode, making a phone call to a deep voiced man she could hear every now and again through the speaker.

A little rustled from being ignored the redhead looked around at the slackly decorated room. It was stuffy, small, an ugly yellow washed the walls, there were no windows and only one door in or out. It was a strange place to eat in. The Joker let out a sudden laugh that caught her off guard and she instead diverted her eyes to the knife and fork in her hands while she waited.

The woman came back as he ended the odd call with a tray of food the kid eyed up intently, forgotten was the question she had asked the Clown as the waitress set out the items in front of her, the Joker snatched his drink from the tray and hooted.

"Thanks toots." Breathily, the woman composed herself all too fast from his outburst. She stood rigid toward the criminal and smiled tightly.

"I'll be back when you've finished your meals sir." The waitress didn't come back.

The child was oblivious to the tension as she greedily unwrapped the hamburger. She took a tentative bite, sighing outwardly after she swallowed. Her hair fell over her face as she took the next bite and Joker wondered how she could get a mouthful of anything but the unruly bush growing out of her scalp.

"Fanks for my burgah," she beamed brightly over the small table to the Clown, his jaw flexed as he watched her go back to eating the food with polite bites despite her hunger, hiding behind the little curtain she had built. She was starving. And she was shy.

"Eat faster, and move the _hair_ kiddo', that's man _ners._ "

The order seemed odd for the child but regardless of the demand she decided to willingly accept it. Putting down the burger she wiped her dainty hands on the front of her dress and took her hair with two hands- forcing it to sit on the back of her head. Finished, she quickly picked the burger back up and happily continued to nibble on the free treat. He noticed her little red locks grudgingly begin to fall back over her shoulder without remorse.

The meal carried on a little like that.

The girl didn't ask many questions while her hair crept back onto her face and Joker looked over her lazily while imagining what crazy scenario he could charm the Bat with using her.

This was new ground for him.

He had never spent time with children, but he wasn't dumb to the idea of what they needed. Just like his dogs they needed food, water, somewhere to sleep and a pat on the head when they were good. But she could be the best weapon he could use.

He could turn her into a child prodigy? A contract killer? Maybe he could send her waltzing down to Gotham's Hospital with a bomb wrapped up _beautifully_ in her bag without anyone noticing? No. That had already been done.. But still.. The idea of a child being the bomb for _something_ seemed like an idea that was heading in the right direction.. Plus he had everything he needed.

Dynamite? _Check._  
A child? _Check._  
Somewhere to blow up? _Easily done._

The Subway could be a good place to target? The D.A's office? Gotham's Police Department?  
No. It needed to be _bigger_.. If he wanted to do something as terrible as detonating a child then he had to blow up some place equally as _shocking_.. Like possibly strapping her to the bottom of the city's only bridge and watching the _Batty_ try to save her? Plus it would be the only escape route from the City which he would then quickly poison with-.

 _With what?_

He sighed and slammed down the drink in his hand causing the her to jump. That wasn't an idea going anywhere.. He glanced over at the kid with a dismissive look.

"Eat." Once again she obliged.

It wasn't that he cared whether he killed the thing with his plan- it was neglected already, and he could easily convince himself that it would have been for the greater good while tucking himself into bed comfortably that same night. No. He just didn't want to be so- so, _repetitive_.  
It needed to be bigger that blowing up the bridge, it needed to be something.. _more_. He wanted shock value. He wanted fireworks and a parade for tonight's main event. He was already becoming a different person by picking up a child. Why waste the progress just on an _explosion_. A one off. One nobody will even _see_. No. No he knew what he needed to do. He needed to cause _chaos._

The girl threw her wrapper in a wad in front of her and took a large slurp from the only other drink on the table that ended with an ' _ahh'._ The burp that erupted nosily from her mouth straight afterward earned a loud laugh from the Clown as he rose from his seat while the child reddened at her slip.

"Let's go _kiddo_. I wanna.. uh, see a pal. _A buddy_ if you would call it. He's _f-f-fun_ sweetcheeks. He loves kiddies. _Trust me._ Imagine all the great things we could do. You can't say _no._ I bought you that food.."

His words had already proven to be too cryptic and guilt-driven for the child to follow closely, so instead of reading into them for what they were- which was a lack of information from a mass murderer, she chose to wipe her hands and mouth onto the corner of her remaining napkin and followed closely after the Clown through the bustling kitchen with her full belly and the sudden sensation of a sugar rush closing in.

A common misconception the general public had for the Joker was that he was a bad man. A bad _guy._ He wasn't of course. He was just judged by the actions people were _shown_. You see, what you need to realise is that there _has_ to be good and _bad_. People need to see the difference, or they start to fall out of the lines society has built for them. So when the guy who everyone see's as the baddest of the _bad_ guys does a _good_ thing, they won't show you that. Because he's the _face of it_ all. He's the boss. The head _honcho._ They want people to think that bad is bad and good is good. You can't be both. And the _good_ guy will always be _good._  
Oh how he would turn that _on its head._

' _ **The Batman**_ _ **kills a Child Gone Rampant**_.'

He could already see the headlines. It made him giddy to imagine the pain he would cause the whole City and he sniggered mischievously about that as he slid into the car. It would be _different_.

The Driver quietly helped the child in while Joker pulled the phone once more from his pocket with a look of childish glee as his plan set in motion. Oh how the tables would _turn_.. He would call for back up on this immediately.

Suddenly there was a noise that he was taken aback by. The sound of a _click_ that came from beside him.

To his right the little girl looked back up at him with what looked almost close to a smirk, her seat belt was now fastened around her tiny form and it was currently being readjusted by his Driver before his very eyes.

"I asked w-eally nice Mistah J."

He was impressed. But he was also being _undermined_. And he didn't like to feel undermined.

She eyed him back easily so he instead chose to award his attention to the other offender. His Driver seemed to feel the intensity of his Boss's stare a lot differently, looking toward him he pulled his hands back and let out a soft cough to clear his throat. Joker began to shake his head.

"I said you needed to do things- uh, things for _your_ self kiddo.." And although his tone was flat that didn't falter her look, the other man however, seemed to cower at the words as if they were physical blows. Pleased by the reaction Joker looked back at that girl for her reply.

"I did Mistah J. I _asked_ mw-yself."

His face tightened for quite a time before it fell into a softer form and the Joker chuckled slowly, his eyes falling back over to the screen of his phone. _What an in-n-teresting loophole,_ he thought quietly to himself. She was already trying to outsmart him after getting a free meal- he laughed aloud at that. _Oh how this plan would work so well_ …

Her door was closed timidly by the Driver and the night continued on after Joker directed them toward a clothing store he was sure would have something of her size on the other side of Gotham.

He couldn't let her freeze to death. He had already fed her, and in his mind he may as well carry on the caretaking so she didn't _die_ of pneumonia or something _preventable._ Admittedly he didn't want her dead before he _chose_ the time at least.

"Hannah."

Her voice was low but he heard it. He heard everything- it was a genuine talent of his.

He turned his head toward the girl and cocked it to the side.

"I don't like it."

Her wide eyes suddenly bulged at his words in an almost comedic way, he refrained from laughing about that in front of her.

"Well it's m-wine not yours." She hissed, her little pink arms crossing firmly across her chest as her head turned to face the window. Joker snorted at the pathetic sight he was witnessing.

Oh how she reminded him fleetingly of Harley during one of their own arguments.

Of course those ended with quite a different conclusion than he would ever have in this situation and instead he decided that if worst came to worst and she wouldn't talk to him within the next fifteen minutes, he would exchange the child for another lemonade. Surely that would give him less backtalk.

Minutes passed.

"I w-ike Hannah.." She uselessly muttered to the glass.

Deciding that was the closest he would get to a conversation, Joker carefully chose his next words while he assessed her.

"Well kiddo.. You need a- a _codename_."

At those words they came to a halt in the traffic as pedestrians crossed ahead of the car, Hannah turned her head slowly toward him. "-like The Kid, or somethin' more _ad-aptable_ like Joker's _Little Hunter._ Hmm.. I like the _H,_ don't you? Hmm.. _What_ abouttt," he clicked his tongue loudly against the roof of his mouth, " _Hellfire._ "

"How-fwire?" She tried the name in her small mouth miserably and at it the Joker rolled his eyes.

"No. Okay.. That's fine.. Something _easier._ Okay.. Hmm.." The car fell silent as he thought. Hannah observed the way he spoke out random words while he looked up at the roof, smiling dumbly to himself. He was very strange. "Hmm.. Okay. I _know it.._. _Hen_."

Hen.

It seemed like a silly name to Hannah. She liked her name and that was that. But despite her age, she had quickly realised that working _with_ the man covered in pretty jewels and make up was a lot easier than working _against_ him. He made a big fuss every time she said something he didn't like. And he was buying her a lot of things too.

"Hen.." She said clearly. He slapped his hands together and smiled toothily at the girl who shuddered slightly at the vision, he didn't notice and continued his celebration.

"Oh fun- fun- _fun_. Yes, fun _-nnn_. Okay, let's get you clothes and then we can go do _fun things_. Like.. Hmm.. Let's teach you how to shoot _targets_. That's a fun, that's what my _Daddy did with uh, with me sweets._ Targets likeee.."

He went quiet. Toying with ideas in his own head. It was a moment before he began speaking again and Hannah almost wondered if he had forgotten what they were talking about with that big brain of his.

"-your good ol' pal, _Mr. Marvin_ over here."

His gaze turned darkly over to the small mirror that the Driver looked into with a paling face. Almost playfully Jokers top lip pulled back to reveal his shiny teeth, and Hannah looked uneasily between the both of them.

She had no idea what he had even said but she felt the mood change.

How could she know what was being threatened by the unstable man? He knew she fed off of the _feelings_ of a situation but not the _lead up to_ it, she was a kid.. and that was why he called her _Hen_.

She was blind. Senseless. She followed him thoughtlessly and like a hen she sat quietly in the corner of the barn while the farmer protected her. But the wolves would come.. They always did. They know where the Hen's are you see. They're sitting stupidly in the corner without a reason to be afraid, in a room with only one way in or out- he just had to time everything well. He had to make sure he looked like the _farmer_.

You see the Joker isn't a bad _guy_ , but he is a guy who has to make bad _choices_ sometimes.

And what he wanted at that moment was very clear.

Right now he wanted to see how far he could push a person who hadn't yet formed ethical morals, maybe he wanted to see if he could form some for her instead- and he wanted to teach his Driver a lesson about helping people he _shouldn't_ help.

"Well I wanna twa-get Mistah Mwarvin." Hannah offered with a smile that crunched the front of her small nose, Joker cackled as the child sat there happily with him- blissfully unaware of the connotations her words held.

" _Excellent._ "

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Side note:

Wow, so that was quite the break from this story.. But jokes aside thank you so much to those of you who have taken the time from your days to review, follow and favourite this. Even to mail me some ammo that I need to get myself back into writing. I'm so nervous to post now but if I keep over-reading it I'll only delete this and try again in 2019, so enjoy if you can and no problems if you don't. Have a great time on the Internet!


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